I Trusted Him.

I'll admit it: I'm terrified of dating right now. And anyone who gets close to me is going to get hurt. I got hurt twice last year. Twice. And one was my fault. Completely. See.... here's what happened:

I had someone that I was kinda-sorta 'involved' with. But it wasn't working out. And I, by chance, through a friend, met someone else. My first thought was "you're cute". Not sexy, not attractive, but cute. I wasn't interested in "that way". Then he started talking and I said "you're different". Different made him attractive. Attractive made him sexy. and right away I wanted to know more about him. Here's the truth though: all of my friends were like "WTF?". They just didn't get it. Idk what it was either honestly. This guy was intriguing. I'd drop what I was doing, whenever, wherever, just to go spend like 15 minutes with him. I wanted so badly to be the one he wanted. It's crazy; the whole time I had someone who wanted to be with me that I guess I wanted to be with but my attention was directed elsewhere. I did things that.... I don't do. I broke every rule I have in terms of boys and what I find them to be "worth". He had this CRAZY wall and it was like I couldn't get him to trust me, and I did EVERYTHING. I felt like I was putting in more work than I had ever put in... The more he pushed me away the harder I tried. The harder I tried and the more I got to know him, the further I fell. It ended with me...crushed.

Truth Moment: I don't do well when I don't feel like I'm winning.

It's almost therapeutic to type that because it helps me to admit that I... got... crushed. It's only happened once before. But this time, it really hurt. Not only did he sleep with someone (that I wouldn't have really cared about I mean.. he wasn't my boyfriend, we weren't in a relationship. etc) but he SLEPT with one of my FRIENDS. So you know what I did? I served Poker Face while he was in my truck but as soon as I hit North Avenue [Baltimore...] tears hit my face. and for what? It was so dumb for me to even be mad. People are free to do whatever they want, so how could I even care? I guess it was because the possibility was now gone. Whatever hope I had of something down the road between the two of us? extiguished. I don't share my sodas with people, there's no way i'm sharing a guy. No. That's not how I roll.

Yet and still... Sometimes I find myself on his facebook. He gets cuter in every picture. I can't be mad at him, but I am. At the end of the day though he did what he thought was best. In the end, I know he's the one that missed out. I'm..... yeah... I'm a good catch. Even right now... and I'm not being cocky but come on, BITCH I GOT CREDENTIALS. Not to mention a car (or two...), a job, $ in the bank, and i'm an attractive dude. and I'm intelligent! I'm... I'm different then the competition. But it wasn't enough. There's this Tamia song that KEEPS coming on Pandora (fuck u pandora. again.). And well, it fits.... here's some of the words:

I miss the times that we never had//What happened to us we were almost there//Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had//Never almost had you.

I mean, it's all good. I'll find better. I don't know what makes me more upset, the fact that it all went down the way it did or the fact that I almost lost a friend that I love behind a boy who didn't really like me in the first place! In "dating myself" I've found that it takes me a long time to get over stuff. When I'm mad, I'm mad. When I'm hurt, I'm hurt. and I think hurt people hurt people. and I didn't realize how much that whole situation really effected me until I looked at my interactions afterwards. Secretly, way down where no one would ever have to know...It.... really fucked me up. I'm going to need to learn to trust people that I meet. I'm going to need to get the courage to be aggressive again (because I typically am not). I'm gonna need...some time.