I Trusted Him.

I'll admit it: I'm terrified of dating right now. And anyone who gets close to me is going to get hurt. I got hurt twice last year. Twice. And one was my fault. Completely. See.... here's what happened:

I had someone that I was kinda-sorta 'involved' with. But it wasn't working out. And I, by chance, through a friend, met someone else. My first thought was "you're cute". Not sexy, not attractive, but cute. I wasn't interested in "that way". Then he started talking and I said "you're different". Different made him attractive. Attractive made him sexy. and right away I wanted to know more about him. Here's the truth though: all of my friends were like "WTF?". They just didn't get it. Idk what it was either honestly. This guy was intriguing. I'd drop what I was doing, whenever, wherever, just to go spend like 15 minutes with him. I wanted so badly to be the one he wanted. It's crazy; the whole time I had someone who wanted to be with me that I guess I wanted to be with but my attention was directed elsewhere. I did things that.... I don't do. I broke every rule I have in terms of boys and what I find them to be "worth". He had this CRAZY wall and it was like I couldn't get him to trust me, and I did EVERYTHING. I felt like I was putting in more work than I had ever put in... The more he pushed me away the harder I tried. The harder I tried and the more I got to know him, the further I fell. It ended with me...crushed.

Truth Moment: I don't do well when I don't feel like I'm winning.

It's almost therapeutic to type that because it helps me to admit that I... got... crushed. It's only happened once before. But this time, it really hurt. Not only did he sleep with someone (that I wouldn't have really cared about I mean.. he wasn't my boyfriend, we weren't in a relationship. etc) but he SLEPT with one of my FRIENDS. So you know what I did? I served Poker Face while he was in my truck but as soon as I hit North Avenue [Baltimore...] tears hit my face. and for what? It was so dumb for me to even be mad. People are free to do whatever they want, so how could I even care? I guess it was because the possibility was now gone. Whatever hope I had of something down the road between the two of us? extiguished. I don't share my sodas with people, there's no way i'm sharing a guy. No. That's not how I roll.

Yet and still... Sometimes I find myself on his facebook. He gets cuter in every picture. I can't be mad at him, but I am. At the end of the day though he did what he thought was best. In the end, I know he's the one that missed out. I'm..... yeah... I'm a good catch. Even right now... and I'm not being cocky but come on, BITCH I GOT CREDENTIALS. Not to mention a car (or two...), a job, $ in the bank, and i'm an attractive dude. and I'm intelligent! I'm... I'm different then the competition. But it wasn't enough. There's this Tamia song that KEEPS coming on Pandora (fuck u pandora. again.). And well, it fits.... here's some of the words:

I miss the times that we never had//What happened to us we were almost there//Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had//Never almost had you.

I mean, it's all good. I'll find better. I don't know what makes me more upset, the fact that it all went down the way it did or the fact that I almost lost a friend that I love behind a boy who didn't really like me in the first place! In "dating myself" I've found that it takes me a long time to get over stuff. When I'm mad, I'm mad. When I'm hurt, I'm hurt. and I think hurt people hurt people. and I didn't realize how much that whole situation really effected me until I looked at my interactions afterwards. Secretly, way down where no one would ever have to know...It.... really fucked me up. I'm going to need to learn to trust people that I meet. I'm going to need to get the courage to be aggressive again (because I typically am not). I'm gonna need...some time.

No 'Commitment'

"I was cool with no commitment / wait, let me take that back it was you so I was with it / guess I didn't get when you showed you didn't miss it. Now it seems that you're interest ain't here and we ain't the same." - Is She The Reason (Destiny's Child)

(btw...this was written awhile ago...but it's a good story so I thought i'd share)

Damn. I'm sitting here rereading a text message that was sent to me last night. I asked a simple question, but I didn't really want to know the answer. I hate when I do that. There's this guy I've been dealing with for quite some time now off and on. Honestly, it started the way most m2m relationships start... He was cute, we hit it off, we slept together, and then we did this weird "dance" of calls/texts and pretending to be more in each other's life than we actually were until recently he started barely calling me at all.

Now, I'm normally not the one to play the desperation game. But I had called him three times. I had texted him more times that I'll admit publicly. Now I could sit and pretend that he was busy, hurt, his phone broke, etc... but the fact is: I was being ignored. I could have lied to myself but honesty with yourself is always the best policy. I had to wrap my mind around the fact that someone else was occupying his time.

What sucks the most about when we find ourselves in situations such as these is that we can't even be mad. Mad at who? Mad for what? With him, we were always "chill" because it was always a "no strings attached" thing. He'd often tell me about the boys who were crying/falling all over him and I'd laugh with him at their pain / anguish. And these boys? I've seen them get DESPERATE. They'd spill their hearts out in texts that were too long to fit in one message and we'd laugh. Sometimes I even sent the responses for him. I can't help but to wonder.... is that what happened to the texts I sent? Does he have some other nigga, some other version of me reading what I sent? No ma'am I'm not here for that.

So the text I sent? "Is that how we doin it?" His response: "What do you want from me?" My response "Nothing. Have fun with that boy" His response: "I did." I didn't want to hear that. So, I did what any other self-respecting man who just lost his own war of words would do. I hit up Orange Motha (lingo...you'll pick it up later, lol), she's always there when you need her. I couldn't even believe I let myself fall for this clown. He showed me EXACTLY the guy he was, and my feelings got all caught up anyway....After this day though, we became strictly friends.

Point of the story? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He showed me he was only DTF, but for some reason me being "Captain Save-A-Hoe" I thought I could change him. Partially because he made me feel different, partially because I was just like all the other people we laughed at: I wanted him to want me. Men, however, are not like Mr. Potato Head. We cannot put them together as we see fit. And as far as the no commitment thing? I think it only works for one night stands, folks. If it's gonna be an ongoing thing expect some sort of feelings to form. Remember it's all fun and games until someone catches feelings, and you better hope at the end of the day that someone isn't you.

ps. My life isn't all about casual sex, boys who ain't shit and gay drama. this is only the 3rd post, stay tuned. :)

-CJ4TheKids

The Way It Should Be Said.

Allow me to Re-introduce myself.

The name is Carl. Or CJ. Or just 'J'. Actually, I don't care what you call me. A little about myself: Born and raised in Jersey. Moved to Baltimore for college. Live in Philly for work. Every now and again spend some time in NYC. Yeah, I get around. I'm black. and, I'm gay. I've come across a lot of blogs (video and text format) over the past few years of social networking that have been about gay life/lifestyle, and I've only enjoyed a handful of them. Some spend too much time worrying about overcoming gay "stereotypes", don't worry I won't do that. Some spend too much time fighting imaginary wars for gay rights, don't worry I won't do that. And some...don't talk about gay issues at all, there's just gay people writing them... and I damn sure am not about to do that...

I don't knock anyone else that writes a gay blog or has a gay social network presence. I think they're all great, and all serve their purpose. I'm just here to be real. Through my own experiences and experiences of my friends I hope to give a voice to our community that is not often heard. The voice of the average, everyday gay young adult just trying to find my way in the world. I go through shit, some of it bad and some of it good. What I'm NOT here to do is highlight the wonders of gay life, I'll leave that for other people. I'm pretty much just gonna tell my story and the story of those around me. On ocassion, I'll get up on my high horse. and hey, you might even catch me on a soapbox....

I'm sorry if i'm talkin shit, but I swear I mean well. We, the LGBT community of color have a long, long way to go. I'll deliver this blog the way it should be: Unapologetic, not always classy, but always real. And whether 1 person or 1000 people read this, I hope it helps someone along the way...even if that person is just me. :)

Let's raise a glass to 4 The Kids, The Way it Should Be Said.

-@CJ4TheKids